The randomness of everyday life

My heart to you

2008-06-04T02:58:00.000-07:00

I long to be loved
To feel something new
To know that I'm needed
And wanted by you
To feel joy instead of sadness
To feel love instead of pain
To know joy and confort
And not anger and distane

So I've opened myself
To your love and your trust
I pray for your compassion
For that is a must
Please don't forsake me
Or leave me in the cold
Hold my heart with kindness
And never let go

A love song

2008-06-04T02:56:00.001-07:00

Sing a sad love song of a love gone by
Sing a sad love song so I can cry
Sing of sorrow and sing of pain
Sing of tears and sing of rain
Sing a sad love song of my love lost
Sing a sad love song despite the cost
Sing a sad love song sing one for me
Sing a sad love song and set my soul free
Sing a sad love song.

How long

2008-06-04T02:55:00.000-07:00

Sometimes life is funny
in ways that seem ok,
but then you have your moments
when that just all goes away.
In all my hopes and wishes,
questions and requests,
I get retarded heartaches,
and pain with every breath.
Why is it so hard for love to find me,
have I done something that very wrong?
Lord, I don't get it
how long for me Lord, how long . . .
All I want is someone to love me
someone to show me they care
I thought I found that in you
found someone who would be there . . .
was I wrong for loving you?
Am I wrong for how I feel?
Do you really love me
tell me what's really the deal?
How long do I have to wait
for you to truly see
how long do I have to hurt
before you truly love me?

Sick and Fucking tired

2008-04-28T09:28:00.000-07:00

Ok so this is sort of a rant, mostly due to the fact that I'm fed up with stupid ass people and I need to get this shit out before I snap off on someone and choke the shit outta them.

I'm just getting so damn tired of dealing with ignorant ass people, and for those who don't understand I will do my best to explain. In the last few years I've sat back and watch folks blame society and others for their life's lackings' and mistakes and I've had enough. What burns me the most is I see it mostly from my own people.. and when I say that I mean the Black and Hispanic communities. What the fuck is wrong with you people. Grow the fuck up and start taking some damn responsibility for your own fucking actions.

If you're jobless and living in a run down ass area and can't provide for your family, stop blaming everyone and everything else and start looking at yourself. It's you who have the power over your situation and ONLY YOU who can change it for the better or for the worse. Get off your ass and do something instead of expecting everyone else to do it for you.

I get so tired of hearing "I can't" or "it's to hard" or "they won't let me".. save your bullshit reasons for someone who gives a flying fuck. You can you're just to damn lazy to try.

There is no reason to stay in the Ghetto unless you want to. There are plenty of opportunities out there to better yourself and make a way for you and your family.

Stop thinking you're to good to work for mim wage... its a fucking job. Get off the damn system and try. Stop trying to be some damn balla when you don't even have a fucking job. Why the fuck do you need a $30,000 car when you live in a one room apartment that's rent controlled because you get a damn check every month from the state? Take the fucking bus you asshole and sell that fucking car so you can actually do something productive in this life.

I hate shiftless bastards I don't give a damn if you are the same race as I am. Stop making excuses for being lazy and worthless and do something productive. Educate yourselves, work to improve the community instead of destroy it. Teach your children not to be hoods and thugs, and that being a fucking hoe isn't acceptable.

Grow the fuck up and do something worth a damn or put a gun to your head and remove yourself from society so that we don't have to deal with your ignorant ass anymore.

Maybe I should be President..

2008-02-28T07:59:00.000-08:00

Ok so yesterday I was on the phone with a freind of mine and she suggested that I run for president LMAO. Now as funny as that sounds, and as much as I know it could never happen... (one cause I don't have even close to that type of money) I thought for a second you know I couldn't be any worse then these jackasses that are running now.

I mean I actually care about what happens to the people in this country, so I wouldn't be running for fame or title but to actually help.

My first act would be to give congress a huge pay cut and to actually put the money where its needed. I'd pull troops from places I know they shouldn't be.. because being a vet I understand how they are feeling and what they are going through.

As a mother I know I want my kids to be educated so one of my first acts would be to do a real education reform. I'd not only pass a bill that gave teachers more money I'd make sure we had enough teachers in places that really needed them. Not just teachers though books... UPDATED books.

For those kids that live in cities and bad areas I'd make sure there was money to start programs that kept them off the street and out of danger so that their parents could actually work without fear of their child getting involved in drugs or gangs.

On the health care aspect I'd do my best to make sure that it was affordable to everyone in this country who wanted it. If they don't have a job or just can't get it through their job then I'd make sure there was subsidy programs that helped. Or even goverment programs that foot the bill for them till they could afford it. I don't think anyone should have to go without medical treatment just because they don't make a lot of money.

I mean how is a person suppose to support their family if they can't work because they are sick, or their whole check goes to pay for that doctor visit?

These are just a few of the things I'd actually like to see happen with this country and if I was able to I'd change. Whats sad is those few little things right there can make life in this country a whole lot better for a whole lot of people yet it seems they aren't done because the PTB, don't profit from it so its not worth their time.

Get off the net ya ass twat.

2007-12-23T03:24:00.000-08:00

Wow I can't believe some people on here. There are some on the net who would like to think they owned it and had a right to dictate how others should speak. There is a person on this site and a few others who thinks they own the Internet. Apparently if you don't behave the way she does and kiss her old ass she gets offended and calls you a blight on the Internet.Apparently the Internet is her whole life and the only way she can make friends so when people don't agree with her she gets all butt hurt. Frankly this is why the elderly shouldn't be allowed on the computer. They are stuck in the stone age and expect the whole damn world to bend to their whim. I wonder how she'd react if she'd actually meet some of the people she loves talking about face to face. I'd love for her to say that shit to me up close and personal.. cause after she got finished looking for all her teeth she'd understand just how much of a bitch I could really be. She likes to talk shit about people behind the safety of her computer then when you come back at her she screams you're threading her. What a fucking coward. Oh and she's got a "lawyer" on hand because everyone keeps making threats against her LMAO. What the fuck ever lady. Frankly her and her retarded ass bridge club friends can suck a dick and fuck off. Maybe if she pulled the stick outta her ass and stooped being such a cunt she'd people would actually respect her a bit more. Guess her husband hasn't dicked her good enough yet, I feel sorry for the poor man... being stuck with such a ass twat like her.

Drunk ramblings...

2007-12-16T07:43:00.000-08:00

Ok so I'm drunk as fuck right now so I figured I'd blog. Then it dawned on me that no one even reads this so it doesn't really matter. I mean hell I've been blogging for almost a yr and hardly anyone ever reads or responds to this crap. I'm in a shitty mood cause frankly life sucks major donkey dick. So I figured fuck it I might as well drink. So thats what I'm doing I'm drinking... its like almost 8 am here.. but I've been drinking since like 2am so I guess I'm still ok. I'm gonna keep drinking till either I run out of beer or I pass out. I think I've hit the point I'm just like fuck it all.. none of it makes any sense anyway. Life fucking sucks, anytime you try to live right and do whats asked of you you get fucking shit on.. so fuck everyone and everything. They can all kiss my big huge fat ass and go to hell.

Ok so what next?

2007-11-29T18:16:00.000-08:00

I am so damn pissed off right now its not even funny. I heard on the news and through several other venues that now the goverment wants to ban spanking in Mass. What the fuck? Ok its bad enough they already dictate how we are to raise our children now they want to completely get rid of a being able to disipline them at all right? Its not just spanking but any kind of physical punishment. Meaning you can't pop their hands or anything without the fear of getting arested. Now I'm not a huge advacate of spanking anyway but are you fucking kidding? Its bad enough we have these bratty ass kids that talk back, disrespect their parents and have no respect for authority, now you want to make them worse? I doubt any of the people trying to pass this law even have children. So in 5 yrs when we have kids who are cussing out their parents and fighting and stealing, what is the government gonna say then, oh well you should control you kid? How the fuck am I suppose to do my job as a parent if you keep putting restriction on what I can and can't do in my own fucking home. There is a huge difference between spanking and abuse and the sooner the government learns that the better off people will be. Fucking dip shits.

cyber fighting

2007-11-21T16:00:00.000-08:00

Ok as I'm writing this I'm laughing to myself a bit. Have any of you ever witnessed cyber fighting? Its when two or more people get into a disagreement on-line and instead of it being a nice fun debate it turns into a on-line battle royal. I find it amusing because at one point you'd think someone would stop and go dude, its the Internet its not that serious, but nope it continues on. Frankly I think outside of having fun annoying random people on here I don't really care to much to actually devote very much time and attention to them in life outside of the net. Meaning I don't sit and sulk about what they said or are saying. I do get rather bothered when I get dragged into random BS due to folks fighting, but I suppose shit happens. Mostly outside of fun debate and the off chance I may make someone cry, the net is just a good place to play video games. I wonder maybe if I might not just be to old to care or I've lost my zest for the insane. I suppose for a min its fun to antagonizes someone on here but after that min has passed it just becomes boring and mundane. So really whats the point?

Holiday behavior

2007-11-20T17:39:00.000-08:00

With holidays and such comming up it got me to thinking. Everyone gets so worked up this time of the year. Worked up over being with family or money or just the festivities of it all. People are a little nicer to eachother, or have a slight skip in their step. I wonder though why is it this only seems to last for a few months. Why can't people be this way toward eachother longer? What is it about holidays that makes ya wanna be nice. I mean hell if you're a jackass all year and then for 3 months are a saint, why? What caused the sudden change? If its just because you think that you should be nice during this time, why now and not all year? Ok so maybe I'm nuts and people are suppose to be like this. I just figure if you're gonna be a little shit then be that way all year, stop confusing folks and changing up for a few months just to go back.

Love

2007-11-18T23:14:00.000-08:00

Ok so for those of you who actually read my blogs, and I know there are a few of you.. lol this is something different. I often sit here and contemplate my life and all the things that have taken place in it. The one thing that I find quite amazing is how love has affected it. The love I have for my children, the love my spouse has for me and the love I see my children have for each other. The random acts of kindness I see strangers do everyday. It makes you appreciate the things that we sometimes take for granted. The little things that often get over looked when we fret on the great big picture. Love is so precious and wonderful and so I think we all should take time out of our day and be appreciative of that love. Hold onto that special someone, give that extra helping hand to that stranger. Pass on the love in our hearts to others so that they can too know what it feels like. So lets all go out and love someone today.

My rant

2007-11-15T18:06:00.000-08:00

Ok so I'm really pissed right now. Mostly because I keep hearing on the news about all these damn protesters who are blocking shipments of supplies from over seas to here and back. WTF is wrong with these jackasses. Ok so you don't like the war, guess what neither do half the people over there fighting, but to hinder them from doing their job and putting their lives in further jeopardy isn't going to help matters. Fuck people, if you want to make a difference, fine contact the fucking bastards who are in charge over in Iraq and tell them to pull their head out of their fucking asses so we can bring our guys home and not have to worry about this shit. Fucking tree hugging bastards think that their stupid ass antics are doing anything positive. Sorry there sparky all you're doing is making it harder for those that are gone to get home any sooner. Fucking dip shits.

I'm back

2007-11-14T22:33:00.000-08:00

Ok so for those who have actually been reading my page you've noticed that I've been gone for a while. Well I'm back now and sorry for such the long break. I've had a ton of family stuff to take care of and its been a really crazy couple of months. However, I'm back to my crazy ramblings and rantings of sorts. So stand by, cause I've got a lot on my mind.

Does it ever end?

2007-06-24T10:48:00.000-07:00

I am so damn tired of being sore and having my body fall apart one piece at a time. It is a pain in the ass because I can't afford to keep going back and forth to the doctor just for them to tell me I need to go see someone else. It sucks knowing that there is something wrong and not having the ability to have it fixed or even looked at. Between my breast and my overies I'm really wishing I was a guy right about now. I'm tired of being told well don't worry about it it's probably nothing serious by people who won't even take the time out to check. Things aren't suppose to hurt or be sore constantly, nor are they suppose to have lumps or tenderness when you touch them. But unless you have tons of money around here getting answers to things is almost impossible. I'm at the point I'm just like screw it. Why even bother trying to get better when the doctors apprently don't care if I do or not.

Real love

2007-06-20T02:06:00.000-07:00

I know many people have been in relationships where they are told that they are loved by the other person then it turns out to be a bunch of bull. Sadly I know that feeling too. I had gotten to the point where I doubted very seriously if I would ever actually know what it was like to be loved by someone else. To my amazement it happened. He came out of no where and showed me that love doesn't hurt or make you sad but lifts you up and holds you. He showed me that not everyone is here to tear you down, some people are here to lift you up. He loved me when I didn't even love myself, now that is some powerful love. His love doesn't come with conditions or stipulations, he just loves me for me. My faults, my problems, my crazy weirdness, through it all he still loves me. He doesn't love me inspite of my faults he loves me beacuse they are me. He doesn't try and change me or make me to be something he wants. I'm accpeted for who I am. I know that if it ever came to it he'd lay his life down for mine. This my friends is what real love is all about. Its such a powerful thing love is. It breaks down walls and brings together people. It gives us hope and light in the midst of our darkness. It by far is the most wonderful thing there is.

Sick and Tired

2007-06-17T22:06:00.000-07:00

I get so damn tired of people who think they know something or someone passing judgement. I get so damn tired of folks pretending to be someone's friend just to turn around and use them later. What the fuck is wrong with these people? Why is it you feel the need to poision the world with your very exsistance? I'm tired of having to defend my beliefs and thoughts because some closed minded biggot doesn't agree with them. Who the fuck died and made you god. Fuck, people sit and pass judgement on somoene based off a fucking screen name. Are you fucking kidding me? Since when did a damn screen name start defining who the hell a person was? So I guess its now a crime to have a fucking imagination? There are crazy ass people who sit and think that the internet is all there is in life and then get pisssed when the people on it don't bow to their every fucking whim. I'm so tried of people thinking that I have to blow sunshine and flowers up their ass in order to be a nice person or one that has something valid to say. Fuck I swear I'm really starting to just hate people. Its probably a good thing I'm not in charge of things around here. We'd have a lot less people in this country if I were. Ok I feel better, thats my rant for the day.

Shadows

2007-06-16T02:04:00.000-07:00

I walk along the shadows oblivious to those around me
Never stepping into the light
I stay hiding under the cover of darkness
A creature of the night
I hear the whispers of others
And see their evil glares
Their words are pierced in hatred
Because they have no idea I’m there
I am always ever watchful
I hear what is in their hearts
Always in the shadows
Hidden by the dark
I see them on the other side
And give a passing nod
I watch my children closely
You see I am their god.

Friendship

2007-06-15T12:16:00.000-07:00

In my life I have gone through some shit with people and through it all I've learned a few things. The biggest thing I've learned is what real friendship is. I'm not talking about these people who pretend to be your friends when everything in your life is going smoothly I'm talking about real friends. The ones who at 3am will come and pick you up from being stranded and not complain about the time or distance. I'm talking about the ones who will offer you a place to sleep at night when you have no where else to go. Real friends who are there for you not just when times are great but when you're so low that you can't even stand. They are the ones who are lifting you back to your feet and holding you up while you learn to walk again. In my lifetime I have run across a lot of different people, some who called themselves my friends and others who have proven to be so much more.

These are the people that I am thankful for they have given me words of inspriation when I was lost. They have lifted my spirits when I was out of hope. They have opened their homes and their hearts to me and my family. They are to me the truest definintion of what friendship is all about. They show love and kindness not because they have to or because they will get something in return but because they truely care and are truely good people.

To all my friends and you know who you are, thank you for being there and thank you for loving me the way you have. You are all very special and imporatant to me and I love each and every one of you.

To everyone who likes to be fake.

2007-06-15T06:39:00.000-07:00

Fuck you to those who don't like the topic of this post.
Fuck you to everyone who pretends to be something you're not.
Fuck you to those who are using people just to futher yourself and at no reguard to others feelings.
Fuck you to fake ass people and fake ass friends.
Fuck you to eveyone who has no desire to love and respect people in this world.
And a big giant massive FUCK YOU.. to people who think its a weakness to love someone or to care or to show any type of human fucking emotion once in a fucking while. You my friend can drop dead and go to hell. Its not weakness to love and to want to be loved in return its not weakness to hurt when those you care about use you and treat you like shit. So FUCK YOU.

oh and if this post offends anyone then guss what FUCK YOU TOO.